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| i am the one leaving you this time and i am leaving because i love you but i am not in love with you
because you don't think slaying zombies is fun, because you don't think that the deftones or smashing pumpkins are the best bands to listen to while we fuck
because you could never fall in love with a ghost of a person who has never existed. Because i could live happily ever after in a horror movie, you would run away from the ghost and i'd stay behind and embrace them.
And if you wont come on this epic journy with me, then i'll do it alone until someone comes along and picks up an ax to beat the zombies back into the ground.
But you.
I really want you on my zombie slaying team.
I don't know what i am going to do, but i need to get out of this relationship with her because its killing us both.
All i know is that whenever i hear the songs from the 90's you are all i think about. Not her, or anyone else.
You could carve your name in my chest and i would never want it to fade because it reflects what is inside and has been inside for seven years.
We have our last day of magic but then somehow the magic returns and we go back to our horror movie love scene right before the supernatural decends upon us.
"if you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you understand why i feel the way i do"
I want to lay under you, with your arm held high with a kitchen knife in your hand, i want you to carve into my flesh how you want it to be this time. I want the deftones screaming from my speakers as this happens, i want to be on a drug and you be on the same drug that makes us feel invincible. I want us to feel like we are on fire. This thing builds and builds in our stomach causing bile to build up, till we are gagging on each others names with bile surrounded.
It's cold but all i want to do is lay with you in the dead leaves on pain pills talking and smoking. talking about things no body gives a damn about.
We coul dress in strange clothes and listen to our awesome music collection with headphones walking around the English country side.
Yeah when i am with you i have fun, yeah when i am with you nothing is calm we are both little tornados inside but it is so fun to let them out and tear up my room with the force of repealing magnents and sparks shoot out of finger tips, we touch each other's eyes and heart. Till we are both burning on the inside. Everday was like that. | | |
| nothing is ever forever, i think we all were supposed to learn that by now
i have learned my fair share of lessons, and i have given lessons.
come on, we can drive it home with one head light.
i don't know who you are, and part of me doesn't really want to know right now
but we all could use a little action.
i slip slowly into bad dreams again
but when i wake up, all i want to do is go back
i was never the same after that year.
damaged goods?
check the receipt, yes you can return me, but you wont get much because of the added up interest
and the economy is bad.
i didn't try so hard.
prove to me that you are worth it, that you are worth putting fists up for.
i will make my mind up later whether it will be benificial to you.
i saw you...
I saw you at school, in the elevator and i had bad thoughts, i thought about kissing you...
because i didn't want to think about the bile in my stomach building up in reaction to my anxiety kicking in.
i nearly vomited when we got out on the same floor,
I walked away fast without ever looking back.
you were quickly forgoten like a stranger that you are, until this moment.
As I walk down the stairs, i pick up thoughts of her off the floor where in a moment of carelessness i scattered them
come find me because i wont go look for you.
everyday i am hustlin'
everyday i care less and less...
i work the holidays for a reason. two reasons, get away from all of them and tripple pay.
if you come back this week, i challange you to come find me. | | |
| i really think i made a good choice
about one thing and then another thing i know i am making bad choices about
i know but i still make them
and because i am a sociopath, i dont care, i have empathy.
sorry you had to cry, sorry i hurt you
that was one stupid choice
i really wish i could take that one back.
we'll work on it more though.
i will shed my skin with the changing of winter to spring and the change of spring to summer
"this is a gift, it comes with a price..."
i have a gift that sometimes can be used for evil
but i have the choice to use it for good or evil
evil is easier.
good is complicated.
"who is the love and who is the knife?"
i am the knife love me anyway
love me fucking anyway
you have no choice, this is a gift
and it comes with a price
ever noticed you who are loved so much by me
see and feel the knife?
and i am also the love
the love you fear, hate , crave, need.
it comes with a price
i cant be perfect
but i am all at once
and don't it just piss you off
that i can be me.
i have a gift,
and because of it i am dangerous
and a safe haven to all of you.
but i am NOT jesus
i will never hang on a cross for YOUR sins.
"this is a gift, and it comes with a price. Who is the love and who is the knife?" | | |
| When i think back on how i got into this situation in the first place it seems so easy to go back and fix
and well isn't that just a damn shame that i cannot go back and fix that.
So there we were, Cody and I kicking ass by ourselves, eating and shopping and not really needing anything else in the world because we had it all. We were not even the slightest bit sad that our own group of friends had fallen apart. We just accepted that this is what life does as time passes.
We worked all day and then went to school in the evenings and didnt really have much time for anything else during the week but the weekend was all about us, no one else just me and him, making mean comments on the people around us in hushed tones, telling him "Cody...I have a story for you...later.." It was our secret code for some shit i want to talk on the lady wearing the sweatpants and daffy duck shirt to P.F. Changs or some dinning place.
Most of the time spent apart from each other during the week i would either pop pills and spend the evening in a drug or drunk state of mind. i wasn't lonely more like bored with things, until the weekend when we would go and do things.
It wasn't that i didn't love her it wasn't that i was trying to be an asshole, i just didn't see past my own selfish ways and i still am that way. I don't like to get dirty. Emotions most of the time just make everything more complicated so for awhile i was really good at keeping things simple and using a mental razor i cut everything out that just was too much emotionally involved. Cody was really the only thing i needed and somewhere along the way i stopped using the mental razor and let everything in and let my emotions take over. Free time is like a breeding ground for disease and nothing you can do prevents people from infecting you with it.
I remember a time when all i had to fear was social molestation.
Then i began to fear other things and it all started when i let people back into my life. I don't regret it, but its like i said before this is where i got into the situation i got myself into and even if i could go back and fix it i dont think i could because i wouldnt really know how.
And now i find myself loosing air in crowded rooms, i find myself wishing for a fire or a flood in stores to erase all the people away. I find myself reaching for the mental razor again to cut away all of the emotions that are not really worth having.
Because remember I dont like to get dirty.
And maybe i was just being polite because they were both of your friends, its not really like i was looking for more for my own needs, i had plenty already well established friendships that didn't need any revision. And before i knew it everything had just got so complex and the more i wanted to make an effort, the more thought why am i doing this.
The truth is simple and yet so disgusting to you.
But me and her are not like normal people with normal emotions and i really don't want you reading this and saying "well i think everyone feels that way" because they don't. Normal people don't think this way. I have a disease and there is no cure, you have not known me as long as other people have, the oldest friendships i have deal with me and accept me, i really dont need to train anymore "friends" to become comfortable with me.
This sounds like a nice way of saying fuck you.
And all i am saying is, it is what it is.
I don't need many things.
I need solitude.
This is a mess and i honestly don't feel like helping in the clean up and i am not sorry that that is selfish. I have nothing to do with this anymore.
You both are over me and that is really good for both of your mental states.
Your therapist would be proud. And look at you kid you did it all on your own.
And yes this is me taking the razor and cutting out the unwanted things.
I am not cutting you out, i am cutting the overall feeling that you all bring.
This suffocating feeling.
But after this i feel i can breath again.
"you can all go fuck yourselves,
you can all go burn in hell
but if there is anything you need at all
i would help you out
i will be the one who cheers when the end is near
and if someone had to save the day
i guess i'd volunteer."
I don't like to get dirty. | | |
| collide by howie day... do you remember that? i know i have done and said a lot of things but somtimes i do still think about all the things we said and did together, i am sorry for those days that i did something to make you cry and i know you find someway to forgive me everyday when you wake up and try to be everything to him and make him your everything to you. i wanted to be the one to heal everyone and yes i have succeded at times and other times i have made the wounds bigger and i think there were times like that with you. i just hope you know that i am sorry for not really being there enough i knew if i tried hard enough i could push through the closed and baracaded door which you closed against everything and everyone even me but i was too high or drunk to see past the warning signs. i dont know if i let you down or not but if i did i am sorry and this is the part where it is not just to you but to everyone from the past that i might have failed when they needed me to try harder. just so you know i am trying now, not just with her but with all our friends. i have to be something so much bigger and stronger and i think i am making some sort of process. | | |
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