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| When i think back on how i got into this situation in the first place it seems so easy to go back and fix
and well isn't that just a damn shame that i cannot go back and fix that.
So there we were, Cody and I kicking ass by ourselves, eating and shopping and not really needing anything else in the world because we had it all. We were not even the slightest bit sad that our own group of friends had fallen apart. We just accepted that this is what life does as time passes.
We worked all day and then went to school in the evenings and didnt really have much time for anything else during the week but the weekend was all about us, no one else just me and him, making mean comments on the people around us in hushed tones, telling him "Cody...I have a story for you...later.." It was our secret code for some shit i want to talk on the lady wearing the sweatpants and daffy duck shirt to P.F. Changs or some dinning place.
Most of the time spent apart from each other during the week i would either pop pills and spend the evening in a drug or drunk state of mind. i wasn't lonely more like bored with things, until the weekend when we would go and do things.
It wasn't that i didn't love her it wasn't that i was trying to be an asshole, i just didn't see past my own selfish ways and i still am that way. I don't like to get dirty. Emotions most of the time just make everything more complicated so for awhile i was really good at keeping things simple and using a mental razor i cut everything out that just was too much emotionally involved. Cody was really the only thing i needed and somewhere along the way i stopped using the mental razor and let everything in and let my emotions take over. Free time is like a breeding ground for disease and nothing you can do prevents people from infecting you with it.
I remember a time when all i had to fear was social molestation.
Then i began to fear other things and it all started when i let people back into my life. I don't regret it, but its like i said before this is where i got into the situation i got myself into and even if i could go back and fix it i dont think i could because i wouldnt really know how.
And now i find myself loosing air in crowded rooms, i find myself wishing for a fire or a flood in stores to erase all the people away. I find myself reaching for the mental razor again to cut away all of the emotions that are not really worth having.
Because remember I dont like to get dirty.
And maybe i was just being polite because they were both of your friends, its not really like i was looking for more for my own needs, i had plenty already well established friendships that didn't need any revision. And before i knew it everything had just got so complex and the more i wanted to make an effort, the more thought why am i doing this.
The truth is simple and yet so disgusting to you.
But me and her are not like normal people with normal emotions and i really don't want you reading this and saying "well i think everyone feels that way" because they don't. Normal people don't think this way. I have a disease and there is no cure, you have not known me as long as other people have, the oldest friendships i have deal with me and accept me, i really dont need to train anymore "friends" to become comfortable with me.
This sounds like a nice way of saying fuck you.
And all i am saying is, it is what it is.
I don't need many things.
I need solitude.
This is a mess and i honestly don't feel like helping in the clean up and i am not sorry that that is selfish. I have nothing to do with this anymore.
You both are over me and that is really good for both of your mental states.
Your therapist would be proud. And look at you kid you did it all on your own.
And yes this is me taking the razor and cutting out the unwanted things.
I am not cutting you out, i am cutting the overall feeling that you all bring.
This suffocating feeling.
But after this i feel i can breath again.
"you can all go fuck yourselves,
you can all go burn in hell
but if there is anything you need at all
i would help you out
i will be the one who cheers when the end is near
and if someone had to save the day
i guess i'd volunteer."
I don't like to get dirty. | | |
| collide by howie day... do you remember that? i know i have done and said a lot of things but somtimes i do still think about all the things we said and did together, i am sorry for those days that i did something to make you cry and i know you find someway to forgive me everyday when you wake up and try to be everything to him and make him your everything to you. i wanted to be the one to heal everyone and yes i have succeded at times and other times i have made the wounds bigger and i think there were times like that with you. i just hope you know that i am sorry for not really being there enough i knew if i tried hard enough i could push through the closed and baracaded door which you closed against everything and everyone even me but i was too high or drunk to see past the warning signs. i dont know if i let you down or not but if i did i am sorry and this is the part where it is not just to you but to everyone from the past that i might have failed when they needed me to try harder. just so you know i am trying now, not just with her but with all our friends. i have to be something so much bigger and stronger and i think i am making some sort of process. | | |
| after rolling and tumbling around in the sheets and half our clothes are lost somewhere between the sheets we slow down and catch our breathe and fall fast asleep tangled up in each other. when the alarm goes off i know i have to get out of the nest we created and go to work or class and its the hardest part getting out of that bed with you there sleeping next to me without a shirt on, i glance over and i see your bare skin half way covered by the blanket and i roll back over and kiss your back and try so hard to escape from reality.
i could sleep all day that way.
i want you to sing me to sleep, i love when you walk around my house with your clothes falling off of you and your singing something beautiful.
i have never felt this close or comfortable with someone and i am glad it is you.
the night time is just so hard because i know you are not here to keep my bed warm but soon that will change and our bed will become our favorite place so lets go ahead and get those egyptian cotton sheets and make it as soft as possible.
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| it means drinking
it means being ID'd
it means feeling good and out of it every weekend
it means making me more broke then i already am
it means up till 4 am
it means yelling at the DJ to play that back one more time
it means being enlightened at every show from now on
it means being used
it means no limits
it means
it means
it means access
it means that no meal is ever complete without a beer
it means judgement from others
it means AA meetings
it means not going to AA meetings
it means freedom of the ultimate kind
it means i am twenty one | | |
| light up another cigarette
i know your not ignoring me but ignoring the presence of me
but i am in this unexplained silence waiting for some sort of sound to crawl out of your voice to me.
and i think how i used to picture her in the sun, just like that song says and i dont want to care about it anymore
i want to make that same kind of promise to you, as you sit in your room, a few miles away from me working on your art, you sing the songs that try to pull you out of your darker hours.
Maybe you should remember that i was there from the start and that i could fix you better than any doctor could.
I look up into nothing and i am wondering what is really in that nothing, and i know i could find out for you and for me if you would only let me touch the surface, i guess we know in the end how it ends.
If it werent for me you never would have seen god's face in that toad.
If it werent for you i'd still never have a plan
There was another trick i was going to teach you, called to keep breathing
and no i wont get what i want this time around, but with you i think i found the closest thing to really trying
i have payed my fines and fees, maybe you will get what you want this time around, maybe you need me just like the music that flows through your head phones as i write this about you.
I am trying to build something with you that others have kicked over like castles in the sand, yeah their might be some faults in the structure but i only have the tools i gathered from the age of 15 to now...21 and i am building us an empire
and if you need your water and headphones i will build you tower so you can go and release all of the evils of the world through your voice that cures anything it touches, you can sit on the stone bench with your music and sing until the weather shows you want you want to see and i will be waiting by the fire with my cigarettes and my unfinished painting and novels.
i want to break your heart out of its cage and break mine of its cage and put them in a glass box together with air holes so we can water them with our blood and watch them grow together
it could be our best kept secret. | | |
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